Avoid Real Life and Play Dead: A Step-by-Step Guide to Escaping Your Own Social Calendar

Ah, the dream. Not ghosting your friends, not ghosting your situationship, but ghosting yourself. No more showing up for your plans, responsibilities, or that random Tuesday yoga class you booked when you were “feeling productive” (LOL). Here’s the guide you didn’t know you needed to pull a full-on Casper on yourself.

Step 1: Cancel Everything...Quietly

First, go into your calendar and hit delete like it’s a toxic ex’s number. That meeting? Gone. That dinner date with your coworker who insists on talking about CrossFit? Byeee. But don’t announce it—this is a stealth mission. You’re not flaking; you’re becoming an enigma.

Step 2: Leave Your Phone on “Emotional Airplane Mode”

Turn off notifications. Put it on silent. Better yet, hide it in the fridge, because apparently, you can’t trust yourself with technology. Texts from your mom? Ignored. Instagram DMs? Unread. That one app that pings you at midnight to drink water? Blocked.

Step 3: Create Fake Clues About Your Whereabouts

If you live with other people, you’ll need a cover story. Leave cryptic notes like, “Gone spelunking, back never” or “Found myself in an indie coffee shop and decided to stay forever. XOXO.” Mysterious and just unhinged enough that no one questions it.

Step 4: Disappear Into Your Own Home

The key to ghosting yourself isn’t to literally leave; it’s to become an elusive, blurry presence in your own space. Wear a blanket like a cloak. Stare out the window like you’re contemplating your villain arc. Eat spaghetti out of a mug in the dark. Your goal is to make yourself ask, “Who even am I anymore?”

Step 5: Send Yourself a Passive-Aggressive Text

Nothing says “I’m done with me” like a ghosted text from your own brain:

“Hey, sorry I’ve been MIA. Life’s just...a lot right now. Hope we can catch up soon!”
Block yourself immediately after. No one likes a clingy ghost.

Step 6: Embrace the Void

Congratulations! You’re officially unreachable, even by your own ambitions. Take this time to do absolutely nothing—like, aggressively nothing. Stare at the ceiling. Rearrange your furniture just to confuse your future self. Pretend you’ve never heard of “responsibilities” before.

Step 7: Stage a Dramatic Return

After your self-imposed haunting, re-enter your own life like a soap opera character who’s been presumed dead for three seasons. Burst into a Zoom meeting and announce, “I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe.” Let everyone marvel at your mystery and demand zero explanations.

Final Thoughts

Playing dead isn’t about avoidance—it’s about self-care, rebranded as chaos. Sometimes, the best way to find yourself is to completely disappear...and then realize you’re actually kind of funny and delightful to hang out with.

Now go forth and vanish, you marvelous cryptid.